By: Allison Houtz
Asst. News Editor (Winter 2015)
@hou12008
Porn sites get more visitors each month than Netflix, Amazon and Twitter combined, according to Enough Is Enough: Making the Internet Safer for Children and Families, a non-partisan, non-profit organization dedicated to continuing to raise public awareness about online dangers, specifically the dangers of Internet pornography and sexual predators.
Pornography not only affects the viewer but their significant other, according to Fight the New Drug, an American anti-pornography non-profit organization that was founded in 2009.
Emily Smith (name changed), a BYU-Idaho alumna, shared her and her husband’s experience with pornography in their relationship.
Smith said she knew about her husband’s addiction to pornography before they were married. After she prayed and fasted, she chose to marry him.
“At first I ignored the issue. Part of it because I told myself it was his problem but mostly to keep me from having to face the pain it would bring,” Smith said. “My husband was very honest about this from the beginning. He came to me while we were dating and told me that it was a problem and he wanted to change it.”
Spouses of pornography addicts tend to become disconnected and isolated from their support systems because of their shame, embarrassment and humiliation, according to S.A Lifeline Foundation, a website that provides hope, education and resources related to pornography and sexual addiction recovery.
“Anger, hurt, betrayal, grief, complete dissolution of trust, disgust, hate, confusion, relief — the list goes on. The emotional turmoil experienced by the partner of a porn addict after admission or discovery can be devastating,” according to Through the Flame, a pornography and sex addiction support network.
Bishop John Anderson, Rexburg YSA 65th Ward, said those in a relationship with someone addicted to pornography need to be understanding, sympathetic and willing to forgive.
“If the route the person is bad and they do not respond to help then there’s some serious decisions that have to be made in order to decide if you want to continue in that relationship,” Bishop Anderson said.
Smith said her husband was good and always willing to tell her when he relapsed. She said she knew he would tell her immediately if he viewed pornography.
Smith said as she looks back, his honesty and willingness to change is why she never lost her trust in him.
There are different ways a spouse may want to communicate with their partner who is fighting their addiction, according to Through the Flame.
The website suggests either writing a letter, an email or talking face-to-face — whatever the communication to be said clearly and honestly.
“It’s not uncommon for well-intentioned observers to inquire about the fuss being made over pornography,” according to S.A Lifeline Foundation. “Many of them assume that pornography consumption is a victimless pastime.”
Many women show various physical or emotional symptoms when in a relationship with someone addicted to pornography, according to Fight the New Drug. Those can include anxiety, depression, PTSD or even suicidal.
“My initial reaction was to run from it so I wouldn’t get hurt,” Emily said. “I told myself that if I didn’t acknowledge it, it would go away. After facing it head on, many feelings surfaced. I thought that maybe it was my fault for not being thinner and prettier. It made me judgmental of myself and critical of my own body.”
Smith said she and her husband were able to move past this trial in their marriage by making a plan.
They made scripture study and prayer a top priority and shared their feelings with each other every day. They also met with their bishop who had them read a book called Love you, Hate the Porn written by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer to help them understand the root causes of pornography addiction and how to combat them.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a website called Overcoming Pornography through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
The website provides personal stories and advice for those addicted and those who are in a relationship with someone addicted to pornography.
Jill C. Manning, a licensed marriage and family therapist shared her thoughts on women who are directly impacted by pornography through spousal addiction in the Healing Concepts for Wives Impacted by Pornography on Overcoming Pornography through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
“Too often, the discovery or disclosure of a pornography problem in marriage causes women to slip into unhealthy comparisons; to engage in inappropriate behavior themselves; or to spiral downward into depression, self-doubt, and in some cases, even suicidal thinking,” according to the article. “These responses, although unhelpful, are understandable when the magnitude of damage, betrayal and hurt are understood. Pornography, by nature and name, diminishes virtue, love, creativity, healthy sexuality, personal and relational growth, and honesty.”
Manning shared three concepts that can help to women in this situation: clarify the motivation, beware of comparing reality to fantasy and ignore comments that invalidate the seriousness of this problem, and seek out people who understand the Issue, according to the article.
“Pornography is a major threat to marriages, the family, and the society at large. It is not a private choice without public consequence. Pornography alters both sexual attitudes and behavior, undermining marriage, which in turn, undermines the stability of the entire community,” according to a study on the effects of pornography on individuals, marriage, family and community found on Family Research Council, a website who vision is a culture in which human life is valued, families flourish and religious liberty thrives.
Floyd Simper and his wife are area coordinators for the Addiction Recovery Program from Rigby to Island Park. The program is set up by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and helps addicts overcome their pornography addictions through the Atonement.
Simper said the 12-step programs and spouse and family support programs. Simper and his wife put these meeting together and can be found online at the Addiction Recovery Program website.
Simper said there are five different types of meetings offered in the Addiction Recovery Program: general addiction, men’s pornography, women’s pornography, eating support, and spouse and family support.
Simper said they hold 27 meetings weekly in our area, including men’s and women’s meetings in the Madison County and Jefferson County jails, and a men’s meeting in the St. Anthony Work Camp.
“Those who attend are married, single, dating and widows. The programs have between 200-300 participants weekly and that there is also room for more,” Simper said.
Simper said those who choose to stay in relationships, should listen to the prophets, study the scriptures and pray for personal revelation.
Simper said those in a relationship with someone who is addicted to pornography should remember they are not responsible for their addiction and are not responsible for the addict’s recovery.
“Sustaining a relationship with a person addicted to pornography is very difficult and often results in heartbreak for all concerned,” Simper said. “For both men and women married to, or in a dating relationship with an addicted person, it often creates feelings of depression and rejection.”
Simper said healing could become a source of great strength for the partner who endures the journey with the spouse who want to recover from his or her addiction.
“Some never get over it,” Simper said. “Pornography addiction ruins relationships, especially if the addict does not want to end the addiction.”
Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles once received a letter from a woman whose marriage was threatened by her husband’s addiction to pornography, according to overcomingpornography.org.
“Commune with the Lord. He is your best friend! He knows your pain because He has felt it for you already. He is ready to carry that burden. Trust him enough to place it at his feet and allow him to carry it for you. Then you can have your anguish replaced with his peace in the very depths of your soul”, according to the woman’s letter on Overcoming Pornography through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
Smith said the Atonement can heal anyone.
“The Lord wants us to come to him when we are scattered and broken,” Smith said. “That is when he can make something wonderful from the pieces. Knowing that we battled Satan for our marriage and won is powerful. We learned that we could beat him no matter what he throws at us if we stand together.”
Allison Houtz 